Whenever you post anything on social media, you have to be prepared for criticism. But even when you expect it to be ugly, the depths of the vitriol are sometimes surprising. Every now and then—including in the last few weeks—couples with jobs but no children (better known as “dual income, no kids,” or “DINK”) become a target of ire, and viscerally nasty ire at that. But the vitriol volleyed at DINKs isn’t just particularly harsh, it’s also quite misplaced.
The DINK lifestyle is on a meteoric rise (full disclosure: I’m currently one myself). For one thing, more and more adults in general want to remain childless. According to a 2021 Pew Research Center survey, for instance, 44% of childless adults between 18 and 49 planned to never have children—up a full 7 percentage points from when the same question was asked just three years earlier. Meanwhile, couples without children are already by far the family unit with the largest net worth, and that net worth is growing faster than other demographics. In 2018, the average net worth of a couple without kids was around $292,000 (in 2022 dollars), but by 2022, that number had skyrocketed to $399,000.
But you know that phrase “if you’ve got it, flaunt it”? Well, of course, that often seems to be a foundational pillar of social media, and many DINKs are not immune to that. The latest social media spotlight on DINKs comes courtesy of a viral TikTok in which a couple talks back and forth about the benefits of not having kids—being able to go out to eat every night, play 18 holes of golf when you want and not needing to hire a babysitter. The couple do seem to have made the video with some self-awareness: They conclude the video by pointing out one of the dark sides of DINK life—they’re “going to get asked at every family event what we are doing with our life.”
The video has certainly gotten people’s attention: In a little more than a week, it’s racked up more than 6.4 million views. But it’s also attracted a firestorm of comments—both positive and negative. And it’s the negative ones that are particularly shocking: “This is just sad. Acting like you’re better than people because you probably hate your life and self.” “You also will die scared, alone and no one will care and no one will remember you. Good luck with that.” “Thousands [of] years of bloodline, wars and hard times of your families [sic] ends with two people being immature [sic].”
But it’s not just anonymous internet commenters who are letting their thoughts be known. Father of 11 Elon Musk took to X to weigh in on the video: “There is an awful morality to those who deliberately have no kids: they are effectively demanding that other people’s kids take care of them in their old age. That’s messed up.” One piece published in The American Spectator goes so far as to say the DINK lifestyle is “just plain selfishness” and “defeats the purpose of human relationships.”
“Awful.” “Selfish.” “You probably hate your life.” To be honest, while some of DINK opponents’ arguments are indeed valid (it is, of course, true that if no one has children, our society will die out), it’s the palpable anger that’s so surprising. After all, if you think someone wasting their life and missing out on the greatest joy possible, wouldn’t you react with pity and compassion rather than personal attacks? And while videos like the one I mention above do flaunt the DINK lifestyle, its makers aren’t demanding anything. Frankly, the intensity of the anger does suggest a level of jealousy of the freedom DINKs have.
Furthermore, DINK opponents sometimes portray a view of family life as seen through rose-colored glasses. The charge, for example, that to be a DINK is to guarantee that you’ll die alone with no one to take care of you implies that having children means having someone beside you in old age. But children are no guarantee of free caretaking. In fact, in today’s America, families are frequently estranged—in fact, more than 1 in 4 Americans is currently estranged from a family member—or separated by long distances. Children (and even parents) have often made a choice to live their own lives rather than living in a close, multigenerational family unit.
Painting such an unequivocal happy picture of having kids not only doesn’t capture the highs and lows of being a parent, but it also prods people into potentially seeking a family situation they don’t really want—which isn’t good for prospective parents or children. Pressuring people who don’t want kids into having them is a terrible idea: Children deserve their parents’ full commitment, and that’s not something that simply materializes from the coercion of online commentators—nor should it.
Finally, despite what the American Spectator article suggests, being a DINK is often not about making choices. While polls show that many DINKs don’t ever want kids, there is a sizable minority (again, 44% of all childless adults, according to the 2021 Pew survey) that cites serious reasons—finances, infertility or other health issues or finding the person with whom you want to raise children—that keep them from having kids even though those children may be very much wanted.
I may be no expert on human relationships, but there is something I do know: No one wants to be told that their life is worthless or immoral because they don’t have kids, particularly when the circumstances affecting their decision of whether or not to do so may be out of their hands. While DINK critics are often careful to distinguish between those who are childless by choice and childless by circumstance, the fact is, one simply doesn’t always know the real truth about what’s going on in a couple’s life—even those who post on social media. But even those who’ve decided to forgo having children because they don’t want them shouldn’t have to justify that decision to anyone. Living in a free society is all about being able to shape your life your way, whether it be about choosing a career, a place to live, or a family arrangement.
In short, we all should have more compassion and understanding for one another, especially when it comes to how and why people live their lives the way they do. And while our society could certainly do more to encourage people to bring children into their lives, bullying is certainly no way to go.
